Friday, February 8, 2008
I.N.R.I 13 March 2004 - 27 Jauary 2008
Here lies the last remnants of once a proud person, who thought he was in love.....
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
The silent prayers...
You are not there today and I know you will not be there tomorrow for me either....its long gone past....but yet I know one thing for sure, that the dreams you had once for me still envoke the passion in me that nobody and nothing else ever can.....
Just your words that you wanted me to have something are the guiding lights for me in this time od despair which is now to last a lifetime.....but yet since they came from you they touch me gently when I am tired and fallen and ask me to strive again and again.....they still act as my companions on the darkest of paths and heal me times of failures.....
these words of yours are now the silent prayers for me and I go over them again and again....every time I say them aloud in my head, I've said my prayers and every time I think of you, I've remembered my god.....
So I say along my silent prayers and yet again embark on a new journey....knowing somewhere for sure, we still connect with each other....
Just your words that you wanted me to have something are the guiding lights for me in this time od despair which is now to last a lifetime.....but yet since they came from you they touch me gently when I am tired and fallen and ask me to strive again and again.....they still act as my companions on the darkest of paths and heal me times of failures.....
these words of yours are now the silent prayers for me and I go over them again and again....every time I say them aloud in my head, I've said my prayers and every time I think of you, I've remembered my god.....
So I say along my silent prayers and yet again embark on a new journey....knowing somewhere for sure, we still connect with each other....
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Nehmat - The Blessing
Nehmat....the blessing...the blessing of my life that I lost....
love that came to me straight from the purest of hearts and came just for me and thats why I say that it was a blessing for me....and since I got used to living in the shade of this blessing that it hurts so much to be deprived of it and living in this ugly world...
I am now down on my knees and when I try and look up all I see is a distant light...a soothing light that is a reminder of how blessed I was in the past....but soon enough I realize that is has all been lost and the life now is just a constant gazing at that slowly fading light in the distance...the light that is a reminder of the "Nehmat" on me
love that came to me straight from the purest of hearts and came just for me and thats why I say that it was a blessing for me....and since I got used to living in the shade of this blessing that it hurts so much to be deprived of it and living in this ugly world...
I am now down on my knees and when I try and look up all I see is a distant light...a soothing light that is a reminder of how blessed I was in the past....but soon enough I realize that is has all been lost and the life now is just a constant gazing at that slowly fading light in the distance...the light that is a reminder of the "Nehmat" on me
Rediscovering my words...
I sit here again today...starting all over again...or maybe just collecting the pieces of what remains...once again trying to discover myself and telling myself that who I was...
Feels strange for sure that today I am the biggest stranger to myself....I might know a lot of people but am a "Nobody" to myself only...
It all started with words and thats what I want to rediscover....but maybe now I will never be able to do it again because they flowed freely in me and now I'm doing all this for a cause that I know has been lost again....
When I look at it, it all goes round and round in a circle of hopelessness.....
Going back again to it has no reason....because the reason itself has been lost...maybe thats why when I look at my words they appear so ugly to me. There is a wretchedness in then which has crept in slowly but surely. They are poisoned by gloom and despair and that was never the way I thought they would be.
From where it started, there was hope n life in them and now what remains is just a sad reminder of what all has been lost....
And then maybe what all I consider to be lost was never mine....but in that case too I fail to understand why I lost all that too that I consider came from inside me......maybe thats what paying for love is supposed to be.....
Feels strange for sure that today I am the biggest stranger to myself....I might know a lot of people but am a "Nobody" to myself only...
It all started with words and thats what I want to rediscover....but maybe now I will never be able to do it again because they flowed freely in me and now I'm doing all this for a cause that I know has been lost again....
When I look at it, it all goes round and round in a circle of hopelessness.....
Going back again to it has no reason....because the reason itself has been lost...maybe thats why when I look at my words they appear so ugly to me. There is a wretchedness in then which has crept in slowly but surely. They are poisoned by gloom and despair and that was never the way I thought they would be.
From where it started, there was hope n life in them and now what remains is just a sad reminder of what all has been lost....
And then maybe what all I consider to be lost was never mine....but in that case too I fail to understand why I lost all that too that I consider came from inside me......maybe thats what paying for love is supposed to be.....
Even though love happened to me for a moment…..
And what does this scarred soul would do now, apart from being with these marking that have become a very part of my existence. The presence of this has become the very center of my being. The days revolve around it and the nights are woven around it as well.
I feel it as a part of my existence because I am sure it is not just a feeling. A feeling is just limited to being either that of a joy or sadness. But it sure runs deeper than that. Much deeper than that….and that’s because I feel it runs deep till my soul. So all I am left with now is to wait for it to completely paint my soul with its shades, one lifetime after another or die waiting again and again….
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